christmas is here!

merry christmas to all! feliz navidad a todos! joyeaux noel a tous! shen dan jie kuai le! frohe weihnachten!

so now the flurry of activities are lined up. doctor ordered 3 vaccinations. dentist ordered a treatment for my sensitive gums. and with regard to the latter, treatment part 1 commenced but i have a nagging feeling that dr dentist was a little too trigger happy with the anesthesia.

my nose has lost all sensation on the right side. and when i smile, it looks so lopsided that i cant help but laugh and that only results in a consitpated expression that looks like a cross between a grimace and a guffaw. i keep poking myself on my right cheek now and then to check if i feel all my nerve endings.

so, i have been rather productive lately considering i have only been on holidays(woohoo, using up all that leave) for 2 days. all the carton boxes for the move has been collected! my indian visa with the sikkim permit is done! and the ads for my car has (i think gone out to the whole of belgium 2 times over), still no luck with selling the car though. its rather tiresome!!! i need to sell it before i go! BUT no complains yet, in any case, having the car with the temperature below freezing point is downright marvelous.

and its rather strange i must say. i have an itch on my lip. but how can one have an itch if that same part of my face does not have any active nerve endings.

sidenote: even though snow looks so gorgeous in the woods and when it blankets the whole world, i really really really do not fancy it.

so i have just 10 more days at work. which is insane really. its like there is no more structure in my life. all that i know for certain will soon be no more. and its rather crazy. im so happy for moments and then nervous. im scared and then im excited. there is this deluge of emotions. literally. its super intense. its like i can fall in love.

on one hand, i love this exhilarating feeling of the unknown. its almost like being a jewel theif maybe. but there is also this other side of me that is shouting Are-You-F*king-out-of-your-Mind?

so there are several tasks ahead. operation sell the alfa is a GO. operation go to the dentist and doctors is also a reluctant GO. operation trip planning is not looking so hot right now but will have to be a GO too.

and its all chrismassy here with the lights and the cold and the xmas markets and i miss home!

and the reason why it was so quiet the last time… well, that was because the bloody conveyors system crashed. but ok, thats solved.

moving on.

just one more weekend of saturday work and i’m home free! i can’t bloody wait. im so tired that im fighting extremely hard, almost to the point of it being excruciating, of just snuggling into a warm corner and curling up and going to sleep.

its 3.43pm and i have just started my work day. i want 2am to come NOW!

and its halfway there regarding my project and im really glad. its kind of like in the eye of the storm right now. everything is calm even though one would expect chaos and disorder and arms and legs everywhere. but no, its really really calm. CALME. its almost disorienting when it was everyone talking at the same time and people running in and out. and changing shoes (we need safety shoes you see).

and then suddenly, its all quiet. but im enjoying the moment of quiet.

so i took this opportunity to do a little planning! since im building up all these holidays with the extra time at work, im off to porto, portugal in about 3.5 weeks time. i managed to squeeze some time off! and im all excited.

it would seem that my life is built around holidays. rather shallow i know. but it seems that this is the way it shall be for the moment.

and then i realise, im going to miss so many things from here.

.

and whats up with this blogathon bug that bit me?

basically, this was the most sedentry weekend i have had ever since i moved out of HHH- happenin hoppin hasselt.

what i did apart from watching the first few episodes of grey’s (6th season’s in the house yooohooo) and annie hall (u got to love woody allen and is that diane all skinny and young and slightly ditsy?) and reading about india (mental as i say for the bajillionth time that country is, and im mental for going there on my own) and putting ads for my car online (various places including autoscout be – the ad’s in dutch too!) and a teeny wheeny bit of studying, and the biggest activity of all was this – i wrote a tediously long emotional email to the rents. it was clensing too. in a way.

it went basically like this. so im going to be honest here. i didnt mean to “run away”. its just that i wasnt coping so well with your expectations. yada yada. i did it all those years because it was important to you. getting into that school. doing this. attaining that. yada yada. but i realised i couldnt anymore. and im happier now. blah blah. you have to trust me. i know your expectations only came from your good intentions. let me go. make my own mistakes. crap crap. a few hundred words of it and i pressed sent.

jesuschristohmightlylordy i pressed sent.

and after all of that. i realised that im so tired of this. and im convinced there is a solution. there IS a bridge that exists. somewhere. and thats the one we will meet halfway on. but i have to find it before too long, i cant bear them thinking ill of me. (in a way they are, thinking i live this hippy lifestyle) and maybe that bridge lies in me going back home. im tired of the fighting. the long distance silent treatment. its childish and im too old for shit like that. and i believe that it cant go on like this. if going home is what it takes, then i really think i should do that before it becomes too late. as much as i love my life here, how much further can i do this with this big stagnant pile of %^&$ that i have been dragging around? it has to end. and i think it will (or should i say should) end sooner than later.

—

phew. that was heavy shit for a sunday afternoon, no?

In anycase however, i have my trip to look forward to and time is not going fast enough!

so its just 10 weeks left. left of work i mean.

its just going to be full speed, nonstop action really, and that i wont have time to think about the consequences of what i am doing! its the completion of the project, the gmat prep, the selling of the car, the 10001 documents to get in order, the dis-asembling and packing that threatens with the darkness that comes along with re-location.

and yes, no time to think of the consequences as i was saying. so many things could happen. like getting stuck in a deep crevice somewhere in the himalayas, or getting robbed of everything and having to work my way out of whatisname town somewhere on the paraguayan-argentinian border, or NOT getting into a grad program or NOT finding a job after, or spending too much money on this crazy trip, or getting kidnapped. And a result of most of these scenarios will involve me going back to live under my parents roof. And i think that i DO know that. its somewhere in the back of my head. And that this is one reality that i would have to contend with in the event that it does happen (and it’s possible due to not getting a job, not getting into a program, etc),  and be utterly and completely resolved with my inner-ness that home is the place to be. And slowly I am getting there. To be absolutely at peace at the way my life can swing in the next year.

ok, peace talk aside. Meanwhile, its frustration on the home front. argh! its friday night and im home alcohol-free and studying like a good little asian. gmat prep is scaring me. i think im over my head thinking my english is decent.

PS: the bright spot of my day is qiuyi texting me to wish me a happy weekend. and i wish you the very same my dear. for a moment there, i felt the warmth of singapore in this zero-degree frostiness that is WINTER (yes, i absolutely maintain that fall only lasted 2 weeks this year and its WINTER already).

PPS: i went to see sharko last night. and it was great!   there was a point when he jumped off the stage, all in his sweaty self, and walked right into the audience (and towards sarah and me) and of course, we got to actually touch him. And guess what sarah said right after that? well. she said. “he was quite wet. but at least he didnt smell” hahahahhahaha. ok, well, at least for some reason it was funny when she said it.

as further proof to all the baby-related oofness happening around me, today a squelchy thing happened at lunch.

so, it was business as usual, talking about babies (i did mention that a lot of my colleagues are pregnant, and one just had the baby a couple of days ago), and we arrive at this fascinating topic of the actual birth process. no, we didnt stop at the part where u are asking for more drugs because of the PAIN, no, we didnt stop at the part where we talked about the freaking length of the scar and the way your tummy hangs and droops looking limp and turd-ish. no, we didnt even stop at the talk on water retention and veins and legs swelling and all that. what we did was that we talked about the actual tearing of your skin. like your skin literally tear and rip. with hand gestures. during lunch.

and i didnt finish lunch. and i was starving by the time i got home.